Within all my work, I make reference to those experiencing menopause related fertility issues. It can be as a result of a premature menopause, cancer treatment or perimenopause to name a few.
For many on a fertility journey, the connection that menopause could be a factor is not on their radar and for some, it is only afterwards that it comes to light.
I am humbled to share this very personal story with you. An individual who always dreamt of becoming a mother, but through devastating life events was left doubting her dream would ever come true. These life events turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to her and one that she is sharing to share belief for others.
I will leave you now to gain a greater understanding of life through a different lens.
From the age of 16 Jackie had always wanted to be a mother.
Please take a moment to comprehend the following paragraph…
Five weeks before, what is described as, the most wonderful day of your life; this inspirational lady was diagnosed with breast cancer. Her age… 28.
Jackie describes the day she was diagnosed, as a normal pre-wedding organisational and working day. She had the design of her wedding invitation with her; ready to take to the printer and was all set for a day at work.
Jackie had recently had a lump removed from her breast, which the hospital had assumed was a fibroid. A follow up appointment at Guys Hospital was scheduled and she headed there, alone, on her way to work.
The description of this day provides me with an image of a young lady, with a bounce in her step and a smile on her face, dreaming about all the excitement and adventures that life has ahead.
As Jackie sat down in the consultant’s room he said, “Are you on your own?” and she replied “Yes.” Jackie spotted the nurse sat in the corner and her heart quite literally fell through the floor.
Stage 3-4 breast cancer was diagnosed with a 50:50 outcome.
Jackie describes the conversation as a blur. The consultant recorded the conversation for her to take home. She has never listened to it.
The consultant started talking about chemotherapy, but all that was in Jackie’s mind was having a baby. At the age of 25 Jackie had experienced and ectopic pregnancy, followed by a miscarriage.
As she left the consultant’s room that day, the nurse asked her if she was okay and started talking about tamoxifen. Although the consultant was happy that any cancer had been removed with the lump the suggestion was that she went on tamoxifen…forever. Jackie was told it would make her sterile and there was only one reply – “NO”. Jackie describes this moment as complete horror – sterile – no baby…
Very swiftly thereafter, Jackie was back in Guys Hospital having the lymph nodes from under her right arm removed and remained in the hospital for a week whilst they were tested to see if the cancer had spread. She awaited her fate.
As Jackie lay in that hospital bed, alone with her thoughts; she reflected. Jackie describes this time as the scariest time of all. She could see the fear in the eyes of the other patients as they walked into the ward. She could hear the clinking of glasses and laughter from a nearby pub and felt the pain of facing her own mortality and the desperation of leaving her mum, dad, her husband and all those she dearly loved.
If anything were to give Jackie perspective in life; this was it.
The results came and were thankfully clear. Chemotherapy and radiotherapy were next as was the wedding, which was the most wonderful day and Jackie describes feeling like a princess!
After 6 months of treatment and all the difficulties faced with it, Jackie was trying to get back to ‘normal’ and describes this amazing sense of ‘I can do anything’ and so off she went to drama school.
Her outlook on life had shifted and Jackie and her husband felt it was time to start trying again for a baby. The consultants had talked about menopause following treatment, but Jackie didn’t believe them; or didn’t want to believe them.
Jackie was referred to a menopause clinic at the age of 36 and after tests was told by the doctor that her chances of getting pregnant were negligible. She was told she had hardly any eggs so to go away and stop thinking about it!
However, Jackie was determined.
Her perception had always been that being a woman and having a child should be easy; even expected. She would look at other women who were having babies, some who didn’t want them. She resented them but was ashamed of herself for not being able to provide something that should be so simple.
It was at this stage that Jackie realised she needed therapy, as at each doctor’s appointment she attended, she cried. Eventually her doctor told her, “Stop coming in, I can’t deal with you if you are crying.”
She’d not spoken to anyone about her cancer; she had tried to keep a brave face for everyone and made out she was absolutely fine, but 8 years of pretence took its toll.
The counsellor at Guys Hospital didn’t say much, but she listened. She helped Jackie switch her mindset from being childless, to being childfree and to focus on the alternative life she could lead.
This switch in mindset was followed by a meeting with another consultant who said, “Whilst you are still having periods there is no reason you shouldn’t get pregnant”. This culminated in the reignited determination for a baby and with that came success! After the devastation of an ectopic pregnancy and four miscarriages, plus the cancer she was pregnant at the age of 37.
The pregnancy didn’t come without its worries, but a perfect baby girl was born, and Jackie and her husband were complete.
Having her baby lessened the worry about the cancer returning, stopped the trauma around her felt failure of not being able to get pregnant and Jackie continues to celebrate her life.
“Breast cancer is the best thing that happened to me” are words that Jackie very openly shares.
Why would Jackie say this? Because she describes being bitter, angry and a horrible person before cancer. She resented others who were able to complete pregnancy. She wanted it so desperately that she feels she had blocked it from happening.
Instead of feeling a failure, Jackie was able to turn it into belief. She states that she always believed she was going to be a mother and she also believed that she was not going to die.
Whether you believe in fate, miracles, or anything else; mindset surely plays a huge part.
