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I lost her.

I could see her, but I couldn’t reach her. 

Physically, she was there; emotionally she was gone. 

What was happening? She didn’t seem to have the answers and neither did I.

Over the years, I hear myself on repeat “what can I do to make you happy?” The answer would always be “I don’t know.” “I don’t know what would make me happy”.

Where had my wife gone?

Time moved on and she came back. Gradually things seemed ‘normal’ again and I would forget what happened before. 

Without even realising it, she was drifting away again…

Where was her confidence? Why was she struggling to cope with simple tasks? She can’t seem to make a decision.

It’s not late, but she is off to bed early AGAIN. This is getting boring now. How can anyone be this tired? I’m getting frustrated. When I go to bed I can’t get close, she is physically on fire and I can feel the heat leaving her body. She can’t settle… I can’t settle.

One minute everything I do and say is wrong and the next she is looking at me as if she needs help, she needs me to hold her hand and guide her; this is not my wife. 

It feels different but similar to before. 

Vulnerable… she used to be determined and now she is vulnerable.