What is wrong with me?
I have a hard working husband, 3 wonderful children, a comfortable home, a lovely family, great friends, a social life, holidays and a job I enjoy.
So why have I been feeling that I’m slowly suffocating?
I feel numb and I’m just going through the motions of life, rather than living it; feeling under pressure to be everything to everyone.
This is not the best way to feel, my husband and children were not getting the best from me, so something had to change.
After struggling on for another year, I decided to give up my job, to give me time to try and be a happier wife and mum, as, deep down, I knew those roles were the most important to me.
About a year later, I felt I should be ready to go back to work. So, starting a new job, whilst still trying to deal with my unpredictable emotions plus irregular periods and mood swings was extremely difficult.
I finally decided to visit the doctor who confirmed I was menopausal!
I felt distraught.
I was 44 – I was too young – surely?
I didn’t know what to expect apart from my periods eventually stopping and hot flushes.
There was no advice given, no discussions, no one to talk to (even between family and friends), it wasn’t a subject that was ever mentioned; let alone talked about.
I hadn’t realised that the feelings I had been going through for the last couple of years had been part of the process of menopause. I had no idea what my hormones were doing to me.
I didn’t feel in control.
I was moody, felt depressed, old, numb, useless and I had no real feelings.
Often crying for no apparent reason, my husband would say, “Tell me what’s wrong”, and all I could say is, I don’t know”. This would really frustrate him, but I couldn’t put into words what I was feeling.
I was struggling to cope with running a home, working, spending time with my new granddaughter, seeing my children, helping mum, helping my husband, seeing friends, feeling like I couldn’t do enough for anyone or do anything right.
I’d felt like this before, but now even more so, I felt like a robot, going through the motions of life again, doing what needed to be done, but with no enthusiasm, joy or real interest.
Life was becoming unbearable.
For a long time, I had virtually no feelings for my husband (even though I knew I loved him; I couldn’t feel it). I would not look forward to him coming home, going out with him, getting near him, or speaking to him. At the time, I wouldn’t have minded if he hadn’t come home. It seems dreadful writing it now, but at the time it was truthful.
I had some serious, sensible thinking to do, my thoughts were… something has to change (again) and one option was for my husband to leave, but I couldn’t break up my family, so I left my job to try and find myself (again).
Through all of this, my poor husband got the brunt of my feelings. He would come home not knowing what I was going to be like, I was usually very cold towards him, he wouldn’t know how to treat me as my reactions would be unpredictable, so often we would just distance ourselves from each other.
At times I would force myself to make an effort to come across happy (sort of putting on an act). I didn’t feel attractive, pretty, confident or happy; I just didn’t like myself. I guess I was hiding behind a false front – I was numb.
He just couldn’t understand and would get pretty fed up with me and tell me to snap out of it (I didn’t know how to).
This went on for a few more years, not always so bad, as my hormones settled and I guess I did too. Somehow we managed to persevere and slowly managed to get through it. Neither of us were really at fault, we just didn’t fully understand or know that all we had been through was just “normal” for many during the menopause years.
I am so grateful we got through, as we are so content with each other.
Reflection by Nicola Green Consultancy
My main area of focus is ensuring menopause is understood and supported in the workplace, but within all of my work I am also raising awareness of the impact menopause can have on personal relationships.
I have also carried out research in this area and I can’t say I was shocked to learn (potentially surprised to learn) of the number of relationships that have broken down with menopause being a large contributing factor.
I am humbled once again that another individual has taken the time to provide me with her story in order to raise greater awareness to support others.
