This picture depicts the isolation felt when you are only a few steps away from a partner, but you can’t reach them emotionally.
How many times have friends and I said “I bet it’s easier to be married to a woman; at least they would get it!”
My recent research into the impact on personal relationships has very much altered my perception and the purpose of this blog is to provide greater insight to you all of the varying impact menopause can have on personal relationships.
I have been extremely fortunate for my research to be wholeheartedly supported by a same sex couple whose experience of menopause within their relationship ripped it apart.
In order to support others they have agreed to recite their very own personal and honest account of the impact menopause had on them and their relationship and I am eternally grateful to them for allowing me to share the same (names have been changed).
Jen’s story
We had enjoyed the most wonderful closeness in every way for the first decade. It was of course not without occasional fallouts … no relationship is, but I felt that Mary met everything I could have hoped for emotionally, intellectually and physically.
Looking back now, I know that the breakdown of our relationship coincided with my peri -menopausal years and with Mary being 6 years older than me, she was likely also navigating her own menopausal journey, but I never gave any consideration towards this.
At the time I could not see anything wrong in my behaviour and instead, I was coming from a place of seeking others to blame for anything that contributed towards what I deemed to be a bad day.
There were occasions where I didn’t recognise myself. I would get angry over the smallest things. I would shout, scream, I didn’t know what to physically do with myself sometimes feeling the most intense rage yet, standing in front of me, was the most amazing human being, trying to reassure me, trying to reach out and comfort me, trying to encourage me to talk and saying she was there to listen….. I never saw her.
Instead of letting her in, I pushed her away. I would walk out of the room, I would lash out verbally and withdrew from the relationship to the point where the relationship sadly ended.
On being diagnosed as peri-menopausal and then taking time to research what that meant and how I might be affected, things started to make sense but of course, the relationship had already ended.
Throughout the breakdown of the relationship and in the months following, Mary’s continued support of me didn’t waver. She was always there for me and continued to gently encourage stronger communication all the while dealing with her own menopause yet without the support from me that she deserved.
Since understanding that the hormonal imbalance whilst not fully responsible, was a significant contributing factor in what happened to us, I truly believe that if we had been in receipt of education and had understood why I was becoming this unrecognisable version of myself, we would have been able to seek help and I believe we wouldn’t have gone through the breakup.
Mary’s story
As Jen has said we had a relationship that was everything we both could have hoped for emotionally, intellectually and physically.
Looking back and with knowledge gained from recent education of menopause from celebrities and the very recent publicity on ‘This Morning’ I can see that, whilst obviously not entirely to blame, both of our menopausal journeys undeniably contributed to the breakdown of our relationship.
From my point of view, one of the most difficult things I found was my memory, or lack of it, said ‘brain fog’ moments – I would forget what I had said, agreed etc and this would be met with impatience and then anger. This would lead to increasing upset and that would lead to more anger – something I didn’t recognise from my normally calm, loving and caring partner. I began to feel I was suffering from dementia and was too scared to talk about it.
As Jen said, we both gradually started to withdraw from the relationship. Whilst I had always stayed calm, she always lashed out verbally and steadfastly refused to communicate at all – even our breakup didn’t make sense and seemed as irrational as her behavior had become.
Jen
I consider myself the luckiest woman in the world as we have managed to find our way through and we have rebuilt our relationship ensuring this time that we are equally supportive, stronger communicators and we talk openly about the impact that the menopause has for us emotionally and physically.
I would urge women in a same sex relationship to take time to understand the menopause and the impact it can have, support each other well and keep communication open. Having awareness could be the make or break difference to your relationship.
This case study is for the sole use of Nicola Green Consultancy and those who provided their accounts.
